Discovery is the Fall of Fear

So in following up to last week, I have updates. No, mom, I didn’t get a job.

What I got was an outpouring of understanding and affirmation. It is so easy to forget that often times it takes us breaking down and submitting to vulnerability to discover true understanding and find the light. In the words of Rory Gilmore “It’s just like I’m standing on this cliff looking out into this huge foggy abyss”.

Only a few days ago I would have never let myself watch this episode of Gilmore Girls at this point in my life. It is too relatable, and oh so real. Except I was already there, I needed to process to know that these feelings don’t apply to me only, and that 8 years ago they were equally applicable.

It only seems like everyone else has their life together, but even those people feel like me. No one knows what life is going to look like in two weeks, there is no map, there is no wrong answer, no right answer. The days of multiple choice are gone. All we are left is with questions that have an infinite amount of answers, and an infinite amount of context.

I keep dreaming of all the different places I could end up, but the thing is that if I keep dreaming up the places I could end up and feeling let down when those don’t happen, I am going to miss life. Two years ago I had the guts to say no to a dream, and I have been blessed in the many other ways those desires of a life on stage have been satisfied. I never saw that coming. So here I am ready and waiting to see what next thing I am going to be crazy enough to say yes to or no to.

I’m going to choose to thrive in the now, in where I end up, and live a life that is worthy of being a dream, instead of living for a dream with a life passes by. So now it is time to jump into that abyss with full abandon and find out what is at the bottom.

Process & Purpose

April. A time of rebirth, both in beautiful and painful ways. Spring brings both an array of color and life, but also brings deadly tornados and rain. Sometimes the new life leaves a radiant impression, while other times the shadow takes over. This April, I cannot tell you what will remain, the brilliance of new beginnings, or the fear of losing the ground beneath my feet.

Graduation.

I’ve done this once. High school graduation was different though. You walk out and you could not be happier to escape, to find your purpose, to grow. It is the next step that has been drilled into your head since the age of 7. Graduate high school and you make this much money, college and you make this much more, add in a masters and you make even more money. So here I am stuck between college and the next step, but what is it? Have we raised the bar again to the point of requiring another 2-3 years of school, because an accredited degree means nothing? What field will I pursue? Will I continue to grow my depth of knowledge in business, or is there some untapped area of potential that I do not even know about?

This is what I am getting at. I just finished four years diving into the world of marketing and itching to sink my teeth in. I’m at the crossroad and it is time to dive in and decide for myself how I like marketing in the real world.

Except, it is not as easy as it looks.

College is supposed to train you for that step up job, but things have changed since 2007. It makes me question what in the world I spent the last 4 years of my life doing. My heart sinks.

So I look to masters programs. Except, I don’t even know if I want to travel down the business road, because what if I don’t like it? I do not know if I need to change fields, let alone, if I want an MBA you need…1-2 years of work experience.

This cyclical path that post grads are on is torture. It is painful. It is like those questions in elementary school problem solving: “If the frog leaps 13 ft forward and 11 ft back, then 2 ft forward, and another 3 ft back, how far has the frog traveled?” 1 foot. I feel like I am walking in a world of molasses, slow and sticky.

I am not saying that I do not have hope, because searching for a job is a full time job, and I am a full time student currently. The process, so far, has been disheartening in comparison to my friends who walked into senior year with a job.

Yet, I keep finding myself coming back to peace. Every time I think of freaking out, of having a melt down out of fear, I find faith. I have made it 22 years thus far being successful when I hand over myself to the Lord. So maybe it is time to change my measure of success. It is time to stop limiting God. There is a peace about this process, that unfortunately gets taken for laziness by most. It is not that I am not trying, it is that I am waiting.

I think the issue I keep battling is not the fact that I do not have a job yet, or that my four years of college debt needs to be paid. The issue is that there are all these people pressuring their own concept of success on me. Expectations of security and happiness.

So I felt called to redefine success. This is what I landed on:

Success is to seek fulfillment. The only way to be fulfilled is to be satisfied that it is not possible in the broken world.

Cyclical isn’t it? But that is the point. It all is cyclical. The system is broken, because we are broken humans. To end the circle I will instead choose to withdraw my focus from the process to the purpose.